The Common Denominator
A thought experiment for teachers: if you were to place all the families of kids who are not exactly thriving into a room, and compare them to the families of kids who are confident, happy, eager to learn and kind, what would the differences be? Would there be one distinguishing factor? Or would it be many unpredictable elements?
I’ve been thinking a lot about this recently. As a piano teacher, but also as a parent of two young girls. How can I stack the odds in their favor?
I think about the probably sixty or so families I’ve known in the context of piano lessons. Parents and kids I sit down with for at least 30 minutes with each week, through good periods and bad. People of different cultural backgrounds, geographic areas, economic considerations, skin colors, professional paths. The American families I worked with in Los Angeles. The Austrian, Polish, Ukrainian, Chinese, and Romanian families I’ve observed teaching in Austria. That is, families living quite differently from one another.
I think about the kids I would define as thriving: showing up with a smile, able to tackle challenges even if the process of learning is often uncomfortable, kind to one another, curious about the world, respectful to their parents and teachers. I think about the kids who, on the other hand, are irritable, combative, inappropriately competitive. Kids who are not nice to others and disrespectful toward authority figures, parents, educators, caretakers. Kids who struggle to make friends. What separates the families of kids who flourish from those who are having a harder time?
Though this is obviously nuanced, I believe that the answer lies in the parental dynamic. Parents who are in a loving, supportive, respectful partnership tend to have kids who are secure enough to learn, play, and be kind. Simply put, they take the behavior experienced at home out into the world.
Studies support these observations. According to the Institute for Family Studies,
“Our working group agrees that the research evidence indicates that, on average, children who have (a) two parents who are committed to one another, (b) a stable home life, (c) more economic resources, and (d) the advantage of being intended or welcomed by their parents are more likely to flourish. In general, we believe that evidence suggests that marriage is the best path to the favorable outcomes highlighted above. Marriage is of course not the only path that allows children to succeed; many children raised by single parents and cohabiting parents thrive in life. Even so, in the United States marriage continues to be the institution most likely to combine the four benefits outlined above for the sake of children.” https://ifstudies.org/blog/children-first-why-family-structure-and-stability-matter-for-children
Yet why don’t we hear about this more? While doing dishes a few weeks ago, I switched on a podcast episode about relationships hosted by two women with an Instagram following in the millions. I was alarmed when one of the mothers with two very young kids began describing her home situation: she did not love her husband, they did not like each other, yet she wanted a third child so was putting in “the work.” It was astonishing that such a statement would be made, almost nonchalantly, to hundreds of thousands of listeners. Have another baby, even if you hate each other. What?!
I’m sure many were not surprised listening to that segment. Divorce and unhappy relationships almost feel like the norm these days. Some readers may even find it difficult to make a list of five happy marriages they interact with regularly. This is not to say that a separation, particularly in the cases of neglect, trauma, drug-use, or overall misery, are not justifiable or better for the kids. But I do fear that we, as society, do not talk enough about happy marriage as a predictor of our children’s success.
We were sitting at dinner a few weeks ago, the baby on my lap and our three-year-old nestled in my husband’s arms. Everyone was happy. Seemingly out of the blue, Steve said, “I just can’t see our girls not turning out well.” It felt so true in that moment, like the whole family was cloaked in an embrace.
And I looked around at the apartment I’ve tried to make perfect: the matching cardigans, the developmentally appropriate toys, the organic food in the pantry, the chemical-free pans, the piano we even manage to practice each day before kindergarten, and realized it won’t matter if we don’t continue working to have a happy home. The absolute best thing we can do for our kids is actually to nurture our marriages and a culture of togetherness.
“And I looked around at the apartment I’ve tried to make perfect: the matching cardigans, the developmentally appropriate toys for their ages, the organic food in the pantry, the chemical-free pans, the piano we even manage to practice each day before kindergarten, and realized it won’t matter if we don’t continue working to have a happy home.”
This is not a “stay together for the kids” message. It is much more universal, practical and empowering. Something more akin to: if you want your kids to succeed, strengthen your marriage. Laugh at home. Have dinner together in the evenings. Go on meandering walks. Play music. Pretend to care when your partner is talking about something like bike mechanics, even if you do not. Listen, don’t interject. Sympathize, don’t compete. Make-up in front of your kids after a dispute.
Or, in the midst of an argument, just start laughing, as a friend of my mom’s recalled he did once early on in his marriage that lasted forevermore. When his wife, annoyed, asked why he was laughing, he replied, “I’m laughing because we’re not going to get divorced! So we don’t need to fight about it!”
These things matter. Stack the odds.